Jen Kirkman of ‘Chelsea Lately’ – tweet laughs


From San Francisco Chronicle

January 29, 2012
By Aidin Vaziri

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Late nights wouldn’t be the same without Jen Kirkman. In the past few years, the Los Angeles comedian has become a regular on E’s “Chelsea Lately” roundtable (where she is also a writer) and the show’s hilarious spin-off, “After Lately.” She also has put in appearances on Conan and Craig Ferguson, narrated HBO’s “Drunk History” and – in what surely must be a clerical error – wrote a couple of episodes of the Disney hit cartoon, “Phineas and Ferb.”

But the 37-year-old, who brings her stand-up to Sketchfest this week, does her best work on Twitter (@jenkirkman), where her lively 140-character blasts never really seem to stop. For those who can’t keep up, we spent a week filtering through her feed for some highlights.

“I just opened up a box of something that I thought was going to be cupcakes and it was pears. F- THE WORLD.”

“I hope they don’t separate people by ‘generations’ in heaven because I really like picturing Freddie Mercury partying with my nana.”

“Anyone else out there feeling despondent, unable to cope & full of dread because a celebrity hasn’t had a baby or filed for divorce today?”

“Oh, hey Johnny Depp. Sorry about your split. Now get over here and make all of my dreams come true.”

“I’m going to bed so early that it seems wrong that I don’t own any grain or a tractor.”

“I like how in movies when the character writes a book, they sit & write a book, instead of pulling their hair out or organizing a drawer.”

“How come all of my friends who are tweeting about football don’t just come over and throw feces in my eyes instead?”

“I love being a girl and all but sometimes I think it’s just complete f- bull- that I AM NOT George Clooney.”

“One time I saw ‘Annie Hall’ at a movie theater in LA & when she says her NYC apartment is $400 everyone gave a ‘knowing’ laugh. I opened fire.”

“Hey! I just wanna remind everyone that James Dean took lyrical jazz dance classes with Eartha Kitt.”

“Gotta go to the office today but I don’t think MLK would mind because I work with a bunch of beautiful women! (God bless that ol’ horndog.)”

“I bet Madonna wishes she looked as good as me.”

“Angelina Jolie is the one person on earth who seems like she was more fun to be around when she was smoking heroin and cutting herself.”

“They need to CGI smoking out of old movies, not for the kids but for ex-smokers who are just trying not to think, ‘But THEY’RE still alive!’ “

“My psychiatrist casually referred to me as someone who ‘is thin’ today. So, not sure where to go from here, now that my life’s perfect.”

“Kids! Don’t do my dumb thing of waking up early & going back to sleep. It leads to nightmares about being murdered.”

“‘We are inspiring people!’ – me to my friend Allison while dancing Fosse style to a cover band at a fancy hotel.”

“I wonder if my mom is at the Kelly Clarkson (show) tonight? I’ll call her tomorrow – see if she has a review.”

“Consulted my English to L.A handbook and ‘I read energy, you seem nice,’ means, “I’m hoping you have porous boundaries. I’m nuts & want in!’ “

“I really hope the rumors are true that Bruce Jenner is a cross-dresser.”

“America SHOULD be run like a corporation. By that I mean, I want signs everywhere reminding people it’s required by law to wash their hands.”

“I can sleep sitting up on a yoga ball.”

“Just like Mark Wahlberg, the Bush administration could have prevented 9/11, too!”

“I need someone to hold me. I can’t handle the news that Khloe might not be a real Kardashian on my own.”

“I’ll just blare ‘Jock Jams – Are You Ready for This’ at my desk to see if people come by. And they always do. I’m so fun.”

“I let a guy in front of me in traffic this morning and he was wearing a ‘piano keys’ scarf. Not even Mother Teresa would’ve done that s-.”

” ‘Are you listening to that Black-Eyed Keys band again?’ – somebody’s mother.”

“Need to get a T-shirt made for myself that says, ‘I don’t have coke jaw. I’m biting down on my Invisalign as advised by my orthodontist.’ “

“The writers room at ‘Chelsea Lately’ wants you to know, we verified it, Demond Wilson (Lamont from Sanford & Son) is 65, alive and well.”

“I’m mad because people still get ‘jazz hands’ wrong. They don’t shake. Jazz hands are still, slightly cupped and held at the waist. #duh”

“I went to bed wearing a bathrobe instead of pajamas. Waking up that way altered my sense of well-being and safety in the world.” {sbox}

Jen Kirkman: 5 p.m. Sat. Punch Line Comedy Club, 444 Battery St., S.F. (415) 397-7573. 8 p.m. Sat. Cobb’s Comedy Club, 915 Columbus Ave., S.F. (415) 928-4320. www.sfsketchfest.com.

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